DVD Review: Conan the Destroyer (1984) PDF Print E-mail
Written by Mystery Date   
Wednesday, 25 January 2012 20:19

In 1984 "Conan the Destroyer, the sequel to the wildly successful 1982 sword and sorcery flick "Conan the Barbarian" was released.

The IMDB Storyline says: "Conan, the swashbuckler, is promised that his dead love will be revived if he procures a magic crystal from a magic fortress. He gathers Grace Jones, Mako, and Jeff Corey (fighter, wizard, and thief) to help him as he overcomes the perils on the way."

That's the movie IMDB saw, now let's read about the movie "Mystery Date" saw when he watched...

 

Conan the Destroyer!

My sister took me to see this at the drive-in when I was 10. I had already read the book, because even at 10 I knew what the ladies liked, and that was knowledge of 1930’s pulp fiction featuring swarthy muscular men. (This turned out to not, in fact, be true, and I was the last of my friends to kiss a girl by what seemed like 20 years.)

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Dude’s huge. Does anyone know if Schwarzenegger lifted weights?
There doesn't seem to be anything on the Internet about that.

 

We’re introduced to Conan and friend Malak when they are captured by unknown assailants.

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He punches out 3 Goddamn horses in this movie... And a camel!

 

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That’s camel spit. And most of my Sunday mornings.


The evil chick from Superman 2 has abducted our friend Conan to help recover the horn of the god Dagoth, who will not at all turn into Andre the Giant in a rubber suit by the end of the movie. Certainly not.

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They do realize that their god’s head is essentially a pinwheel of dicks, yes?


So Conan treks off with Wilt Chamberlain (never heard of him; pretty sure he died a virgin) and Olivia D’Abo. Along the way they pick up Grace Jones, who is wearing a thong with a tail on top. I’m not…I don’t know what the hell to do with that. Was this a forerunner to the Furry movement? Is she supposed to be like that dude from The Shining?

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If only this were Wilt’s costume.


They end up fighting a wizard with an ape head—

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Who spins Conan around like he’s Gorilla Monsoon.


We have little guys rubbing Grace Jones—

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Come on boy! This pap ain’t gonna smear itself!


We have completely non-phallic horn retrieval

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She carries this in her mouth for the rest of the movie.


And we end with Conan fighting the god, who turns into Andre the Giant in a rubber suit. Damn it, I was told this would not happen.

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Should I have an erection? Do you? Call me!



   

Last Updated on Wednesday, 25 January 2012 23:16
 

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