DVD Review: Battle Beyond the Stars (1980) PDF Print E-mail
Written by Mystery Date   
Wednesday, 20 June 2012 21:22

Once again we ruin another fond memory from my childhood in order to make bad jokes about 70’s sci-fi. This time we begin with the slow crawl of a spaceship across the screen and quickly realize Roger Corman did not have George Lucas’s budget. On the bridge of this ship John Saxon is having expository dialogue clumsily read to him, viagra sale and we find that he is looking for planets to conquer.

The horrible aftermath of Arabian goggles.

 

The planet he chooses is apparently ruled by drunken Easter Island statues, so it should be easy pickings.

Little does he realize that the old man from Logan’s Run is there (I thought he was feasted upon by the Cubs at the end of that movie…my mistake), and he will send a *very* young looking Richard Thomas on a quest to get mercenaries. I believe somewhere along the way they’ll have a breakdancing competition to save the roller disco, but I may be getting my movies confused.

Richard then takes off in this:

Why, hello, there, spaceship.

To go to a space station run by a father and daughter. The father (who is a disembodied head, of course) plans to kidnap our hero to breed with his daughter. This seemed to be a recurring theme in some sci-fi of this era (see also: A Boy and His Dog). She lets him escape after realizing she would have to fuck John Boy.

After the daring escape, he runs into George Peppard, who is wearing quilts for pants.

He’s drunk the entire goddamn movie (and who could blame him). (Ed. Note: This was typecasting, Peppard was an alcoholic in real life, sobering up in 1978, just in time for ::GASP!:: this movie. Bad timing John, bad timing.) John Boy rescues him from a fiery death and they gallivant off to find more help.

Meanwhile, android girl is chasing after our hero; apparently the Barry White records worked. (Ed. Note: Barry White records ALWAYS work.)

She is attacked and brought aboard this ship:

So where were we? Ah, yes, Freud.

She convinces her captor (a lizard dude with a never-nude and a couple of junior Heat Misers for company) to join against John Saxon. If it feels confusing to follow all of the mercenaries, it’s because it’s a clusterfuck of low budget alien costumes. And we’re just getting started.

Sybil Danning and Robert Vaughn are the last human additions to the team--Sybil as a warrior princess wearing the “Slutty Astronaut” Halloween costume from 2010 and Robert as a man trying to redeem himself for making local law firm commercials. These gorgeous, gorgeous penis aliens also join:

That third eye? It can see right through the monitor.
They’re looking at you cockeyed.

We are only an hour into the movie! Why did I ever stop drinking?!

The last 45 minutes of the movie contains the battle between Saxon and John Boy. At one point—and this is important—Saxon kidnaps one of the dick aliens, cuts his arm off, and has the alien arm grafted onto himself. This is the furthest anyone has ever gone to try “The Stranger”.

I’m fairly sure this movie started my lifelong love of brown girls.

(Ed. Note: Most of us got it seeing "Coffy". You know, the NORMAL way.)

In the end, the good guys win, of course. I was surprised at how many of them died (actually, most of the recruited mercenaries bit it at some point). As much as I’ve made fun of it, it’s still kind of charming, and I’ll probably watch it again at some point. Not sober, but still...

 

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Last Updated on Wednesday, 20 June 2012 22:26
 

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